i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
