Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my being single is dangerous.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
