haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
