I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
