my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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