Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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