I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
