I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
