hell yes lets make some ravioli
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
