Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
