I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
