Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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