we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
