i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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