got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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