you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
