I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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