She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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