It's Friday. Sex?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
