I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
