Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
