I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
