have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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