My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
