someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
