i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
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