The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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