I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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