oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
