i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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