No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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