My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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