During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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