i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
