just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
