Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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