she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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