I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
