girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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