??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
