Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
