Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Enjoy the penises
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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