i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
