That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
