She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
