It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
