it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
