nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
it was like having sex with a tree stump
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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