dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
