everyone is single if you try hard enough
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
