Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
