On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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