It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
