My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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