I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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