It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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