just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
