I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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