I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
